Letting go of 2012

I awoke this morning with a strange and unbearable sense of loss, realizing that Alexisonfire is no more. Tears were shed.

Alexisonfire. Last show in Hamilton, ON.

It’s a weirdly unexpected and somewhat silly feeling, because really, it should be no big deal. I mean, it’s not like Brand New split up. Now that would be a real disaster. But sure, I loved their songs and bought their t-shirts and went to their shows. Hell, I blame most of my hearing loss on them. But really, it’s not the end of the world, right? Even my brother reminded me today of John Lennon’s quote about when the Beatles split up:

“It’s just natural, it’s not a great disaster. People keep talking about it like it’s The End of The Earth. It’s only a rock group that split up, it’s nothing important. You know, you have all the old records there if you want to reminisce.”

And I get all that.

But today, it’s affecting me more than it probably should. My brain is telling me it’s an end of an era and maybe it’s time to just grow up already. More likely, it’s the fallout of a holiday spent with many friends and family and seeing them all grow up and get older. Friends who were once eager to travel the world or pull all-night poker sessions have calmed their wanderlust and gotten married or had (several) children. There’s more white hair around the dinner table and less alcohol tolerance as my friends get flushed with a just few sips of wine. Even George from AOF has a 3-year-old. To feel like a foreigner among friends. Maybe it’s time to put away that snowboard and just settle down. I think this is what they call peer pressure.

Maybe it’s the sadness of grieving a year that is coming to a close. For no good reason, I started crying during savasana after a particularly unsatisfying yoga class a couple days ago. Reflecting on this past year, I have been unbelievably blessed with a wonderfully fun-loving and supportive husband, a closeness among my siblings that we have never been mature enough to share, and the gift of truly good and hard-working people at SweetGeorgia. I’ve been grateful for the incredible opportunity to teach through Craftsy and Place des Arts. I’ve been so happy to see my brothers find love in their lives. And we’re a lot more comfortable now that I’ve learned how to work our thermostat at home.

But this year has not been an easy one. It’s asked for me to be more than I have ever been before, both for my business and for my life. It’s demanded strength and patience and challenged my confidence more than I could have imagined. The process has been made manageable by the fact that I was gifted a business mentor for part of 2012 and that I have a tell-it-like-it-is husband to bounce ideas off of. But I keep asking myself, what can I bring out of this difficult year that will give me a foundation for a better year in 2013?

Well. This year has reminded me that I need to just let go. That it’s good and essential to be prepared and have plans and visions and dreams, but ultimately, the results are not in your control. Only your effort is within your control. And try as hard as you might, some of the things you strive for may or may not come your way. Is it disheartening? A little bit. “Work hard and you will succeed.” It’s what they say, but is it true? No. Work hard, and you’ll have a greater chance of success but success is never guaranteed. Sometimes you just have to let go of your expectations and let the universe surprise you.

Time to let go of the expectation that things should stay as they are.

Time to be open to the newness and potential of the year.

As I write this, a crack in the sky opens and I see the golden glow of sunset bathe my view of Grouse Mountain through my front window. It is not time to put away that snowboard.

And Mother Mother is a pretty freaking awesome band.